.

sorry. i had to.

2008-12-03T08:07:00.001-06:00

if it makes my life easier...?

www.wearekatiekindler.tumblr.com

a diary of private prayer by john baillie. an evening prayer from the seventeenth day. 1949.

2008-11-24T13:13:00.004-06:00

i bless Thee, O most holy God, for the unfathomable love whereby Thou hast ordained that the spirit with spirit can meet and that I, a weak and erring mortal, should have this ready access to the heart of Him who moves the stars.
With bitterness and true compuction of heart I acknowledge before Thee the gross and selfish thoughts that I so often allow to enter my mind and to influence my deeds.
I confess, O God- that often I let my mind wander down unclean and forbidden ways: that often I deceive myself as to where my plain duty lies: that often, by concealing my real motives, I pretend to be better than I am: that often my honesty is only a matter of policy: that often my affection for people is only a refined form of caring for myself: that often my sparing of my enemy is due to nothing more than cowardice: that often I do good deeds only that they may be seen of people, and shun evil ones only because I fear they may be found out.
O holy One, let the fire of Thy love enter my heart, and burn up all this coil of meanness and hypocrisy, and make my heart as the heart of a little child.
Give me grace, O God, to pray now with pure and sincere desire for all those with whom I have had to do this day. Let me remember now my friends with love and my enemies with forgiveness , entrusting them all, as I now entrust my own soul and body, to Thy protecting care; through Jesus Christ. Amen.

_______________this book spoke to me alot as far as prayer goes. its honest and sometimes even relates to my heart in a painfully obvious way.

i'm sitting in my classroom at my desk right now, music playing, hearing kids running and screaming in the halls as well as teachers yelling. this is my life. then i get off work and meander about... finishing schoolwork and meeting up with people. read. laugh. cry. pray. drive. sit. walk. run. go to bed. occasionally shower. then i get up and come here and teach kids how to create art. and we talk about life and love and stuff i didn't know about when i was their age. and hug and hug and hug. this is what i do. everyday, five days every week.
but in the midst of all of this, god has been stirring so much up in my heart the past month. stirring up and ripping up and cleaning up. i am on overload. a heavier overload than i've ever known. and i don't write this for any reason other than... i just got done reading some blogs that were brutal. honest even if it didn't sound great or poetic or pretty. and i wondered why i'm not that way. maybe i don't feel like being that way in blogworld. thats okay, right? yes. there's no reason for the world to know exactly how my heart feels. but today...something made me desire this reflection.
it's not that i dont reflect on a regular basis. my journals pages are covered with page after page of chicken scratches of joy or through tears. i over reflect and over and over and over. i worry about it to the point that i have taken every single part of my heart and my life into my own hands. i take them from god and then wonder why he's not doing anything. so i give them back and take them, and give and take and give and take. i'm impatient. i'm selfish. and i lack knowledge on the true character of this god that i supposedly love. if i knew who he really was and believed it, i wouldn't be the way that i am. i wouldn't live in fear. i wouldn't treat people that i love the way that i do. i would trust Him more.
i don't know how to love well.
i try to take so many situations into my own hands. if i see any problems, for some reason think it's my responsibility to let people know and try to fix it. i forget that Jesus can intercede much more effectively with his gentle heart than i can with my fretful judgement and hypocrisy. i forget that the lord is near and so in control. i forget his gentle spirit. his gentle strength is moderated by this love that i can't understand.
something that i need. gentleness.
i need alot of stuff. i need love. i need truth. i don't even know who to believe anymore. i can't listen to anything or anyone without questioning it's validity and it's accordance with scripture. i want truth so desperately. i feel attacked by evil often. sometimes i feel lied to. i feel deceived. i fear everything. things that shouldn't be feared. my heart is anxious. even when i know Jesus says "don't let your hearts be anxious about anything but in everything by prayer and petition present your requests to god" and then he tells us of this peace that goes beyond anything that our minds could understand. it makes so much sense to me and it sounds glorious. but somedays my heart just can't get there no matter how desperately i want it to be there.
i'm realizing self deception & that i don't know this God as well as i thought. or as well as i want to...or need to. i'm realizing my choosing of the worse when i know the better. i'm realizing my failure to apply to myself the standards of life that i often demand of others. i'm realizing this slowness to see the good in others and to see the evil in myself. i'm realizing that i speak and act outside of love often. love: the greatest commandment. i'm not as good of a friend or sister or daughter or teacher or leader as i once thought. i'm realizing my hardness of heart and the pride that keeps it from recognizing these things. depraivity.
sometimes it takes your life being completely displaced if knowing God better requires it.
i don't know that i've ever wanted God more than i do now. sometimes wanting God hurts. sometimes it feels so good.
i want to know God deeper than i knew was possible. i don't want my mind or my days to be wholly occupied with this world's passing show. i want to step into this show, consumed with something so much greater, so that it's not me stepping in at all, but only His lovingkindness inside of me giving me power to lift my mind to the contemplation of things unseen and eternal. forbid that i should stay content with the things of sense and time. rather that the lord would grant me something to strengthen my hold on this unseen world, so to increase my sense of its reality and to attach my heart to its holy interests that, as the end of my earthly life draws nearer, i may not grow to be a part of these fleeting surroundings but rather more and more conformed to this kingdom that my God so often speaks of.

monday.

2008-11-10T14:46:00.003-06:00

if i smell musty.. its my bag. i bought it at a smoke box estate sale in which a very perverted old, smoking man must have lived for a very long time.

if i seem annoyed... someone probably just said something about politics or the recent election.

if i look happy... it's real. and it's only because jesus takes away the bad and blesses me with good that i don't ever deserve.

this weekend consisted of relaxation, honest friends, good music (mccoy.duh), good food and best of all, the good lord. He's always crawling underneath my skin and doing cool stuff around me. sometimes i just don't notice. i wish i was sensitive to it all. i cant comprehend him and though he suffers no change, i often do, and it causes me to miss some of the things he's doing.

the weather is cold this time of year. this is good only for four reasons that i can think of right now: the comfort of winter clothes, the fact that it may snow soon which will make me so happy, the smell of fireplace in the air when you walk outside and lastly, the way coffee warms you up. (in the summer, a hot drink makes you miserable and sweaty... in the winter, it's almost as if you need it...) this makes coffee shops cozy and almost necessary. julie and i have found a new enjoyment in one, thanks to my mother. despite the name, coffee girls, is a wonderfully comfortable place to spend an afternoon. it is located right down the street from my apartment on southwest blvd. the people there are nice, they serve coffee, food, jones soda and tea. they play neil young, they have chairs/tables or couches. clearly, this offers you the comfort of your own living room plus the smell of freshly brewed coffee, perfect lighting and a place to be silent. jesus came with julie and i on saturday and it was really good.

today at school i sent three students to the office. i hate doing this and i send them as little as possible. today it seemed necessary. one student said, "shut the f*** up". one little scholar called me the b word and the other threatened to hit me while cussing me out in the hall and proceeding to ask what i could do about it.
my students love me and really love them too.

today. vote. but love even more.

2008-11-04T09:22:00.003-06:00

i recieved an email from my dearest friend this morning with these words that brought hope that seems to have been lost, forgotten or overlooked.
"On this important day for our country, I hope that you find yourself neither fearful, nor angry, but held in the promise of our redeeming God. May I remind you that the voice that began the world is still speaking and holding all of creation in its place today, no matter who's name is pasted on the oval office tomorrow? We are children of a covenant God, who has chosen us and sealed us in his love, and while we participate in building his Kingdom come on earth as it is in heaven, we are ultimately made for something greater than this earth. His purposes will be established, we just haven't seen the calendar of his appointed days.

As you contemplate the political future, may I bring your mind back to your spiritual calling? Dear ones, in as much as you feel uncertainty about our economy, or political surety, there are still those around you hurting to know the gospel of Christ's redeeming love. You, like a small boy's lunch, have been chosen, broken, blessed, and have the opportunity to give the love of Christ to those around you. If you feel at the end of yourself, or despairing, or uncertain, be given. Listen and look for the needs around you, and offer the love of Christ to the hurting and hollow eyes you come in contact with today, tomorrow, and all week. It is a beautiful opportunity to be the beloved of Christ for the glory of God to an anxious people.

William Wilberforce, after a lifetime of fighting slavery, won the battle at the end of his 28 year fight. The slave trade was abolished in England.He said with great conviction, that what he learned was that change is not to be brought about in the halls of government, or legislation, but in the hearts of people surrendered to the work of the Holy Spirit. Words of deep spiritual truth for us today.Be God's people, wherever, whatever, he allows you to encounter. It is an honor, an act of obedience, and the truest source of courage and hope for our own tired souls.

love. always. regardless of boundaries we make ourselves."

Top 10 Predictions No Matter Who Wins the Election

1. The Bible will still have all the answers.
2. Prayer will still work.
3. The Holy Spirit will still move.
4. God will still inhabit the praises of His people.
5. There will still be God-anointed teaching
6. There will still be singing of praise to God.
7. God will still pour out blessings upon His people.
8. There will still be room at the Cross.
9. Jesus will still love you.
10. Jesus will still save the lost.

2008-10-30T15:40:00.003-05:00

because of the Lord's great love, we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. they are new every morning.
great is your faithfulness.
"i say the Lord is my portion: i will wait for Him." the Lord is good to those whose hope is in Him, to the one who seeks Him.
lamentations 3.22-25

i moved into a new apartment this week. better view of the city and everything is is peaceful and simple. i really like it.

this week has made me realize that i can't do anything without jesus. he fixes everything i am and saves me from myself always. i'm more in love with him than i've been in a really long time.
i think time and desperation breed intimacy.

sing your freaking lungs out....

2008-10-26T18:13:00.004-05:00

loft shopping yesterday. looking for a home made us realize that maybe it was a little selfish to expect a comfortable place to go everyday. it's a blessing to have that opportunity.

autumn brings the beautiful things. this is not only lyrics of a great song by a great band, but also one of my most favorite things in life...when the seasons change. the leaves danced across the street in front of me today and it made me super happy. it was windy and i wrapped myself up in my comforter and sat on my balcony and let the sun warm me to sleep for a bit. it was good.

thursday. can't wait.

kansas city. getting better. when may gets here, i think it might be perfect.

when music changes things. i've been listening to mike crawford's new cd from jacob's well. it's really good. it's pretty insane how music can urge you and remind you of how to love jesus. it's sparking something inside me that makes me more alive than i've been lately. i needed it. it seems jesus always does something to grant me this peace that is beyond anything i can understand.

it's 6:39 pm and it's already dark outside. i don't love that.

jesus for president.

2008-10-19T15:45:00.003-05:00

an article from relevant.
LEADING THE CHARGE
by: Cameron Strang

"Let's get this out of the way up front: I'm not a politically motivated person. Which is why I felt a tad out of place meeting with Barack Obama this summer. And talking to John McCain. And doing countless interviews about the faith and shifting political views of our generation.

Yet I have unwittingly found myself thrust into the political arena, a place where people are vehemently passionate about their ideologies and platforms. It's an entire industry built around being right and proving your opponent wrong, and winning at any cost. It's a continual power struggle and - from my humble vantage point - seems a bit flawed.

I'm someone who tries to think independently and objectively, rather than simply follow what the pundits tell me to think. Because of that, I've realized I cannot fully embrace either political party. Both sides of the aisle have some great ideas and goals. But both also have areas where they simply get it wrong.

I know the power of politics and the importance of the process in our world. But I also know that, historically, real, lasting change has started first at the grassroots level long before it was ever legislated. Cultural mindshifts influence Washington, not the other way around.

Many Christians traditionally have voted Republican because of their justifiable conviction to protect the lives of the unborn. Now, many younger Christians are voting Democrat because of their justifiable desire to see our nation, the most prosperous in the world, address the issues of poverty, global aid and the environment.

The problem is, many Christians vote these convictions, but that's largely where their personal involvement in the issues stops. Are the government leaders we vote for meant to do our job for us?

If God has given you a heart for the poor, or to see a reduction in the number of abortions, or to promote peace, or to help the sick, or to stand for strong moral values, or to be a better steward for the environment, then your personal focus needs to be on that - whether or not the President shares your same values.

The Bible reminds us to pray for our leaders, but it also talks about praying for those who persecute us. Though I can't forsee and situation where this would be the case, what if one day every value Christians stand for, even religious freedom itself, was legislatively removed? Christians in China and many other parts of the world face this reality every day. Would it change us?

Dare I say, it might actually spur the Body of Christ here into greater action. Could it be that the loss of religious freedoms would ultimately be the best thing for American Christians because it would cause us to stand on our own feet rather than relying on the government to legislate our faith and values for us?

I've heard that only 5 percent of people who attend church regularly actually serve in any way. I've read that if every Christian in America actually tithed 10 percent of their income, we would have enough financial resources to wipe out global poverty.

There's more power lying dormant in pews around the nation than any government could hope to provide, and that's where our focus should be.

Many Christians want to overturn Roe v. Wade, but I don't hear nearly as many leading the charge on a national adoption movement. If Roe v. Wade is overturned, where are all of those babies going to end up? Christians should be focused on personal action regardless of legislation, not just waiting for the right number of Supreme Court justices to come along.

I'm not saying don't vote. Do. Vote your convictions and let your voice be heard - that's one of the perks of living in a democracy. But don't let politics breed division, or make you see people in a different light.

If you have passion for an issue, rather than judging someone who doesn't share that passion or viewpoint, just go do something about it. Give your life to it. Be the change you want to see.

We need to pray for our leaders and our country, but always remember that our leaders and country do not define us. We are the generation that will shape the direction culture, government and social action will take in the next 50 years. It's not up to Washington, it's up to us - and I say it's time we step up and lead the charge.

But that means with our lives, our finances and our actions every day. Not just November 4."

all of this being said. i am frustrated with the fact that christians are standing so firmly and supporting john mccain OR barack obama. obviously, as humans, both of them will make mistakes during their presidency. they will both make negative decisions. anyone would. but the thing that bothers me: neither one of them are standing for jesus christ. and that is who i want to be like and who i want to know and love and live for. i would feel wrong for supporting either one of them. neither one of them are my hope or my strength. they will make decisions for the nation that i live in, but i cannot, with a clear conscious, vote for either one of them knowing that i will face my god someday for every decision that i make. there are fundamental issues that i am bothered by both of their responses to. they both crack on each other all the time. they don't convey love. they both lie quite often. it's ridiculous.

but if i believe that god is real and he's as big as he says he is, then i believe he will take care of me and he will not let me burn away. i just wouldn't feel okay with putting my name alongside either one of the choices for presidential candidate unless they were representing jesus and their views on world issues conveyed that representation.

today i just drove on the highway fast and cried and asked god what in the heck i can do to know his heart... and how he feels about all this. i wanted so badly to move far away and get away from this place that has skewed my vision of this god that i want to know. when i lived in africa it seemed easier to know him. it seems there was less in the way and there wasn't anyone telling me what to believe. it was just me and him and the sky with clouds bigger than i'd ever seen.

word find.

2008-10-11T22:07:00.002-05:00

"jesus is saving me. he's saving me from my sins, from my mistakes, from my pride, from my indifference to the suffering of the world around me, from my cynicism and despair, the brokenness i see in the world around me is true of my own soul. and so he's rescuing me. moment by moment. day by day. because god wants to put it all back together. you. me. the whole world.
so he starts deep inside each of us, with our awareness that we need help, that we need saving. that we need rescuing & then he begins to show us. step by step. what it looks like to put flesh and blood on this gospel because we all fall short. and that's the beautiful part.
broken. flawed. vulnerable people like you and like me, are invited to be the hands and feet of jesus who loves us exactly as we are and yet l he loves us way too much to let us stay that way."
-rob bell.

on another note: loud, annoying people follow me. just today alone, i have sat down in a coffee shop in 2 different places, only to realize that they found me. the loud one on the phone. or the one slurping louder than the music in my headphones. or burping so obnoxiously that i looked for a camera, knowing someone must've been playing some sort of hilarious trick on me. no cameras. these people are serious.
if you are loud and annoying, you should recognize your behavior. it's distracting for everyone. and as a disclaimer, if i have EVER been that person. i'm sincerely sorry.

i couldn't really sleep last night.

2008-10-09T16:06:00.002-05:00

sometimes i just need jesus to sew something new into my heart. lately i've felt like i don't know what it looks like to follow him anymore. maybe i never have completely. i sell my thoughts and my life to so many worthless things that end up leaving me bored out of my mind and hopeless.
maybe i don't realize the strength of Gods love. maybe i cant see His intense desire to lead me. i think i just forgot. i don't know that anyone could ever know what "following jesus" is perfectly supposed to look like.
i honestly don't know how i've gotten to this place that i sit.. and i couldn't explain how i feel if i tried. no one really asked anyway.

i wasn't prepared for such change and perhaps one couldn't be. my job is draining and everything that i love just seems an arms length out of my reach. i'm rather tired.

i realized that i want to be in touch with everything there is to know about god. i want to live better and love more. i want to know people. and be known.

i need so desperately to be distracted from myself... and this person i tend to be. she sucks. i need life and humanity to be redeemed in my heart.

i read about stephen's life today in acts and how he was so full of the spirit of god. he was a rad dude... he got called to care for the poor. everyone knew he was legit, so these dudes thought they'd try to argue him down. they were no match for his wisdom and spirit when he spoke, so they lied and said he was talking crap on moses and god. so he goes before the high council and they looked at him and they couldn't stop stare because his face was shining like an angel. i was secretly envious of this. so they ask him, "what do you have to say for yourself" and he goes into this ridiculously long story that goes generations before him... and then it ends with him saying, "and you continue, so bullheaded! calluses on your hearts, flaps on your ears! deliberately ignoring the holy spirit, you're just like your ancestors....you had God's law handed to you and you squandered in it...
so then everyone went wilt and it says that stephen, full of the holy spirit, hardly noticed because he only had eyes for god... and then they dragged him out of the town and pelted him with rocks and all he said was, "master, jesus, take my life...master don't blame them for this sin." then he died.
i liked that story a lot.

be willing to let your life be displaced if knowing god better requires it.

2008-10-08T07:23:00.004-05:00

...you would never intend this, but this is what happens. when you attempt to live by your own plans and projects, you're cut off from Christ, you fall out of grace. meanwhile we expectantly wait for a satisfying relationship with the Spirit. for in Christ, neither our most conscientious religion nor disregard of religion amounts to anything. what matters is something far more interior: faith expressed in love.
you were running superbly! who cut in on you, deflecting you from the true course of obedience? this detour doesn't come from the one who called you into the race in the first place... and please don't toss this off as insignificant...
it's absolutely clear that gods called you to a free life. just make sure that you don't use this freedom as an excuse to do whatever you want to do and destroy your freedom. rather, use your freedom to serve one another in love. that's how freedom grows. for everything we know about God's word is summed up in a single sentence: love others as you love yourself. that's an act of true freedom... live freely, animated and motivated by gods spirit. then you wont feed the compulsions of selfishness. for there is a root of sinful self interest in us that is at odds with a free spirit, just as the free spirit is incompatible with selfishness....
.the message. galatians 5..

one.two.three.

2008-09-29T17:07:00.004-05:00

kansas city, missouri.september2008.tea drops.

______________________________________________________

also. after reviewing my spending for the month of septemeber i realized that i've spent more money than is beneficial. other than my new BIKE (photos soon), its just little things adding up, so i've decided to live as simply as possible for the month of october. i felt like if i posted it on here then it would be some sort of accountability. i will set a budget and follow it strictly. anyone wanna practice this semi-simplicity with me?

everythings gonna get lighter, even if it doesn't get better...

2008-09-24T19:18:00.003-05:00

yesterday at this time. i wanted to crawl in a hole somewhere that i could stay until..... eh...may or so.

but this morning... i woke up to lightning and thunder.

sidenote: the worst part of living in an apartment building is that when it rains, you never hear it hit your roof. you definitely hear lots of other things... the neighbors singing, cooking, washing, coming and going or watching their nightly television... even their morning alarms.
it's comforting to know there are people around even though they may not be the people i'd choose to be with at any given time... its nice to know that there are humans dwelling near me... but some days i just want it to be silent.
anyway.
this morning.
i woke up to thunder and got up early. i made this great tea that my good friend stan got me on a business trip. it's loose leaf tea which is my favorite. i drank that and sat on my balcony and watched kansas city get drenched. i asked god to make everything new and i begged that the kids that i teach wouldn't be insane today. i talked to Him about my friends and my family and my students and everything. then i opened up randomly to matthew 11 and read verses 28-30...

"come to me all you that are weary and are carrying heavy burdens and i will give you rest. take my yoke upon you, and learn from me; for i am gentle & humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. for my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

then i sat there and stared for a long time. thats all i needed. just. someone.to.learn.from. &. some rest for my tired soul. everything seemed to get lighter as i sat there watching the cars pass while the sun finally came up.

i continued to school and taught ferocious kids all day screaming about this and that. explaining to me what it meant to be a pimp and singing "because i got high"... along with numerous hugs and "i gotta use it"s. i freaking love those kids, even though sometimes (yesterday) i could easily quit. they literally can make me feel like i'm going insane. but today... jesus just gave me this unmistakable love for them that i just couldn't even ignore.

i feel like they have this huge role in my life.

i watched the sun go down tonight from a table at tea drops, where i still sit. somedays jesus saves me from who i tend to be.. those days seem to make sense to me. they're just better.

yellow.

2008-09-20T18:47:00.003-05:00

maryville was good for me. i needed to remember what it felt like. i think maryville was where i became myself over the past four years... its where i learned that i can be real and not have to pretend. sometimes kansas city makes me feel like i need to pretend. lately its felt that way anyway. its funny, the past 4 years of my life all i wanted was to move to kc and now that i live here i feel alone.

i need community like i had in maryville. its weird how you dont realize how good something is until its not around anymore. moving to kansas city has been so good. but in the past month or so i've had so much drastic change in my life and its taken such a toll on me. i just realized how much this weekend. my heart feels so tired.

i realized that i'm being selfish. driving home today i decided that i cant allow myself be bummed out. theres so much else i could be pouring my time into. there's so many people to love and things to do that mean something.

i miss meaningful conversations and staying up all night.

i set expectations for everything and when things dont play out how i expect then i end up dissapointed. i desire for community but i dont pray for it or look for it. i want to know people so deeply... all their crap and good stuff. i want to be known completely too. nearly all the people that i love live far away from me...and i just miss them... even when they're only 30 minutes away. my heart is missing out on being challenged. i lack accountability or people asking what gods doing in my heart or how he's showing love to me.

everything in my life seems displaced. but for some reason it feels okay right now.... i think sometimes everything needs to be displaced if knowing god better requires it. thats what i want. i just want to know god better. and i want to know people better. for me, thats when holiness is displayed in my life. when i want god. i read in 1st peter yesterday, "let yourselves be pulled into a way of life shaped by god's life, a life energetic & blazing with holiness... he wont let you get by with sloppy living. your life is a journey, you must travel with deep conciousness of god. love as if your life depended on it."

i want to feel alive and i want to love like my life depends on it. that would be good.

circa 1989

2008-09-18T20:33:00.002-05:00

http://nickwelch.blogspot.com

my favorite person.

lately i've realized that:

2008-09-11T10:34:00.006-05:00

kansas city has something against left turns.

over the rhine plays good music.

chinese food places always have hilariously odd names.

people dont actually slow down for yellow lights, even the blinking ones.

stress=irrationality.

jesus told me to just let it be.

if you don't let a kindergarten boy go to the restroom during class, you'll find yourself slipping in urine while teaching your next class.

i love watching adults fall asleep when they're hopelessly trying to stay awake.

alot of love is conditional.

sometimes you can't just say what you mean.

word verifications are SO annoying.

for a 1st grader, getting a better place in line is definitely worth fist fighting over.

prayer is foundational to wisdom.

talking about someones mom & calling someone white are the 2 absolute worst insults.

there's a lot to look forward to.

i miss all of the people that are important to me.

in other news: CIRCUS this Saturday... can't wait.

the street looks the best when its raining.

2008-09-04T16:08:00.006-05:00

its been raining for two days straight. this makes me so happy.

i love my job. i love the kids. they're amazing. they're awful most of the time... but i'm excited to see positive change in their lives. they have zero respect for teachers or any adults. they wait to see if you respect them first. they've seemed shocked at my interest in their lives. they're amazing and i've grown to love them very quick despite their lack of respect or communication skills.

funny quotes thus far... pardon my language in advance.

me: keith, you need to stop yelling and eat your lunch, please.
keith: Ms. K, you need to give me your number, please.

daniel (during self portraits) YELLING: DAMN! ma head look like a badge

bri: Ms. K, you like pirates?
me: I have no preference...why?
bri: I don know... you jus look like ya would like em
??

nicholas(10yrs old): Ms. K, you know ma name?
me: yep. it's nicholas. i wont forget it.
nicholas: why?
me: cause its my boyfriends name
(the entire 5th grade class screaming and yelling and dancing and jumping around.. hahah ms. k's gotta b friend ohhh ohhhhhhh)
nicholas: he bouta knock that bitch up. he gon hafta pay child support.
me: okay. no. please dont use that language. and just b/c two people are dating doesnt mean that ANYONE is getting knocked up. AND you're too young to know about that anyway
nicholas: ms. k, thas a reality dawg

oops.

gyra(to 2 white teachers): yo eyebrows look the same, ya'll sisters?

calvin (1st grade) : i'mo punch you.

and apparently, the universal statement used when a child needs to use the facilities is "i gotta use it." so i hear that at least 3 times an hour...

and try to memorize over 300 of these.... (actually taken from my roster):
raevionna, tyshae, rashad, chadsity, daiawnest, shawntearia, devawna, manyothwane, marquan, prada, imari, martrevion, neferteria, faheemi, demoriyan, dontaveon, laknisha, katierra...
& now for apostrophes...d'angelo, d'venta, e'veon, d'anthony, mar'shaun'ta, del'von, d'lyjah, ta'shyra, tah,ken, nevea'ah, ja'nehjah, da'vron...the list goes on.

i love my job. they're great.

today one of my 6th grade boys was having a hard time staying on task, cussing at me every five seconds, throwing stuff everywhere. i took him to the back of the room and asked him what was up and he ended up telling me his brother got shot in his front yard tuesday. stuff like that breaks my heart. the worst part about it is that every single one of my kids has seen gang activity in their families and neighborhoods. 40% of them are homeless or living in shelters. 96% free lunches. these kids need encouragement and love in their life. they're good kids.. they're just never challenged and never believed in. someones brother getting shot isnt uncommon. its reality for them.

in other news: today i became a middle school cross country coach....?

i feel refreshed and alive.

2008-08-23T19:26:00.006-05:00

i'm on my balcony watching the sun start to set and its pretty. theres one huge gray cloud over to the left hovering crown center... then the sun sets right south of the city, so bright tonight that my eyes hurt to look at it. my balcony luckily steals wifi from some great neighbor. so my time on the computer is spent out here. hopefully by winter my router will work.

the past few weeks have been an insane rollercoaster of emotion and life and everything... i dont enjoy inconsistant emotions and usually dont deal with it at all but my heart hasnt felt uneasy about being this way lately. alot of stuff is changing... i've been setting up my art room for a week and finally got done today. i think it will be a place that i feel at home and alive which is good b/c i think i'm lacking that somewhat these days. i miss my green room in maryville with wood floors and my windows open. i dont have windows anymore and the rug i have is tweed or something and it gets little furries all over everything. once it gets cooler i can open my screen door and that will be nice.

i went to branson with drea, lucas, shanna, alan, julie, nicholas and the richardsons last weekend and although i was sick it was still one of the most refreshing times i've had in a while. we took lots of photos and went thrift shopping and ate at unplanned places. julie'd like to call it "jellyfishing" but we'll just say we "took it easy" becuase lets face it people, jack johnson's music all sounds the same. sorry.

i also visited manhattan kansas for the first time the other day and it was a nice little place. i'm excited to go back soon and explore. we wrote out goals on the way there which made my heart excited for the months to come. theres a thrift store on the way into manhattan that i keep thinking about. i ate at a great little place on the corner of some street... then drove to kansas city with one of the sickest feelings i've felt in a long time. my boyfriend lives two hours away and that is lame. he makes me laugh most of the time.

today i went to river market antique mall with julie, alyssa, kate and amy... this place might be one of the most overwhelmingly exciting places i've been. its four stories of history and adventures through clothes, cameras and dishes and books and everything you could dream of. i could spend days there. julie bought a bible that my great granny had. its dark green with gold writing on the front. i bought a tan dress that imagine someone great wore and she had really exciting times in it. i cant wait to wear it. it was $7.00 which is more than i would love to spend on a dress but i thought it was worth it this time. plus i have a mom job now. haha. we saw lots of cool things.

i got a new journal this week. this is always really exciting for me. i've been writing in it while i drink hot tea numerous times a day and it makes me feel alive.

man. the sunsets lookin really amazing now. gods so consistently gives us a sunrise and a sunset everyday and i've been enjoying them religiously lately. i think about the consistancy of days and nights and gods love. it brings the curiosity of things being made new to mind and then i realize gods grace because i always feel like i'm needing a fresh beginning... it reminds me of how much i need jesus in my life. always.

happy new school year everybody.

sometimes you think you're safe to say what you want. but then you realize you shouldn't.

2008-08-10T17:39:00.004-05:00

royals games are fun. i thought of adam cooper today as i sat and cheered for relish... relish face planted and then had to be lead off the field carefully... as i hysterically laughed. it was so funny to me. and then, the best part... the kiss cam zoomed in on 2 folks who were OBVIOUSLY not dating. i just like that. it was funny.

my new apartment is all set up. its nice and small but perfect. i can sit on my balcony and drink tea with the city skyline right in front of my face. and i can look right down and see the gangsters trailing along. its great.

19th & paseo. come visit. but not at night. the day time is much better. BUT it's right down the street from Franklin. which is where i'll be teaching art starting in 2 weeks.

this morning during a song... the lord reminded me of how real he is and how much he's pursuing me. i couldn't get away from him if i tried. everything he says and does is real and alive and beautiful and i cant get it out of my heart. its a cool thing to realize you're known completely. then i was thinking about a relationship where you're fully known and still loved... and then you can freely love so deeply in return. to know & be known. what a perfect picture of community and grace and love. my heart desires that vulnerability to the ends of the earth.

the past few days have brought out alot of great, honest conversations and its good.

i found two great sales and spent a total of 10.50. my findings consisted of: another polaroid camera (if you want it let me know, i just couldnt passup the cheap price), about 15 teacher oufits, a gigantic backgammon board for my favorite person, a sailor shirt, cups for the new place, suprises for julie, mallory, drea & kelsey, a cutting board, about 94 vintage greeting cards, & 2 pair of teacher shoes. j a c k p o t .

if you live in kansas city. lets have coffee.

rob? nature?

2008-07-23T00:52:00.005-05:00

we went downtown to see art and dancing. we ended up in here. julie, katie, nicholas.

i think i've learned a lot in the past week... the past month, really. i think god is teaching me a lot about people and communication with people and interactions with people. it's so insane to me how people come in contact with one another so randomly and then begin to build up knowledge about the other person and care for each other. & then you learn life from them and love from them. and it makes you want to live better and differently and before you know it, you desire things that you never knew you would and its so good. i dont know why this concept is strange in my mind but it is. the human experience in itself is so beautifully odd to me. its crazy to look around and recognize that the lord is so in love with every person i encounter everyday. it makes me want to love well. i was reading yesterday about how i should go after a life of love as if my life depended on it... i've been staring at people until i see this beauty radiate from who they are... who they are deeper than their skin and their bones down into their veins where their blood just pumps this existence that cant make sense in my little mind. it's so freaking beautiful to me. it makes me want to know this old lady in my painting class and the man dennis that works at my favorite salvation army and it makes me want to sit down and have coffee with eddie, this dude i see at broadway cafe... it makes me want to learn their lives and their hearts.

a few weeks back i was sitting at a french restaurant just south of the plaza in kansas city. this place isnt my favorite place to go. most of the people that go to this quaint corner restaurant lived right around there and basically wear money on their faces. i smile at them or say good afternoon in my most sophisticated voice and sometimes they respond, but mostly just turn up their nose and put on a forced grin. i dont fit in with my greasy hair and dirty shoes, but my good friend julie works there as the barista and she makes the best caramel steamer i've ever had. julie loves those people regardless of their nose turn ups. i went to see her on this particular day. it was one of the hottest days of the summer thus far. i sat outside and let the sweat drip down my face after a short half an hour... i suppose that just added to my trashiness sitting in this uppity part of town in my sweaty thrift store dress. i sat with my sketchbook and a book, reading and thinking about the lord. i thought about why he loved me and why he wanted me. i thought about old friends and new ones and how they entered or left my life. just normal stuff swimming through my head.

i moved inside after a while and sat in a leather chair by the window. this was the chair i usually sat in when i went to see julie. i pulled my feet up into the chair with me, knees to my chin, and wrapped my arms around my legs. before i knew it i was sucked back into the book. i was reading a book by an ordinary man, discussing nonreligious views on christian spirituality. i felt like he was my brother or an uncle. he felt close. he just wrote about life and situations that happened to him... and how gods grace moved through his bones and made him feel alive or frustrated or unworthy or lovely. it challenged me and i couldnt stop reading.

i looked up from my book to see a man walk in with a book and a journal. he was in his mid 30s maybe, walking alone. he had on pleated khaki pants and dress shoes with a long sleeved collared shirt. he got black coffee and sat outside, i thought he must have been extremely hot on the patio but i'm convinced that guys dont notice that they're sweating as quick as girls. i wondered what he was reading and wiggled around in my seat to see if i could make out the title on the binding of his book through the coffee bar window. i couldnt see. its always interested me to see what people care about. what makes their hearts beat faster. what makes other people feel alive. i think feeling alive is so important.... otherwise you feel dead and you forget that this life is a beautiful dance. i think i tend to forget my humanity and become numb to what i was really made for..

i feel alive when it rains or when the lightning won't stop. my friend mallory likes to call it a strobe light and my brother always likes to stop the car and watch it. i feel alive when it's sunny out and i have nothing on the agenda. i feel alive on my bike or with my friends or family... praying with people makes me feel alive...man. i feel so incredibly alive when i read words that make my heart awaken from sleep... words about Jesus and about love. when i was reading that day, i just felt alive. and as i sat there watching julie across the restaurant, serve coffee to an old couple, i decided i wanted to be a writer. writing makes me feel alive. words make me feel alive. not empty words and empty passion that leads nowhere, but words that are loaded with Jesus and with human experience. words that are convincing and fire me to put passion to action. real words that tell stories of humanity being scrolled out into a picture. those kinds of words... they make my heart beat faster.

i think i'll go to bed now.

to burritos and dr. pepper.

2008-07-08T01:03:00.002-05:00

i've been re reading alot of books lately and jesus is waking alot of stuff up in me that's been asleep for too long. this summer is so full. i think thats the word that would best describe it.

god. relationships. life and even the air coming in my lungs. everything just seems so full of life and full of jesus and its making me feel alive and love more than i ever have.

i love it when people open up to me. i like finding free garage sales with rad stuff. i like elevators alot especially the ones that you ride on for a long time... like at my work with nearly 30 stories. i like eureka springs arkansas. i like old buildings and walking bridges that go over the road. i like swings and i like every hour of the day and night. i like going to see movies with julie and colby. i like when people name pets after me. i like welch terriers, they're so cute. i like painting class. i like funny people. i like rain and sunshine. i like meeting new friends. i like reading something in the bible and aknowledging that my heart is beating so fast. i like knowing that my friends and family are happy. i like loving jesus but i'm bad at it usually. i like road trips. i like quiktrip still. i like when my parents laugh at my jokes. i like freezing rooms while i sleep. i like staring at people. i like laughing alot. i like learning from older people. i like finishing paintings. i like collaborating. i like vans that have windows that ROLL down in the back. i like making up names for people. i love willow trees and i like summer. so. much.

i've been trying to see beauty in the little things so perhaps i could learn to love the right way.

courage

2008-06-26T13:44:00.003-05:00

today has been a good day. i'm procrastinating studying for a dreadful african art history test that i have tomorrow. procrastination always brings the best of times.

this morning started with a bike ride on a fixed gear bicycle that wasn't mine. i loved it. then i read matthew 6 in the message and it made me want to live well.

"your eyes are windows into your body. if you open your eyes wide in wonder and belief, your body fills up with light. if you live squinty eyed... your body is a dank cellar. if you pull the blinds on your windows, what a dark life you will have! you cant worship two gods at once... you cant worship god and money both. if you decide for god, living a life of god worhsip, it follows that you dont fuss about whats on the table at mealtimes or whether the clothes in your closet are in fashion. there is far more to your life than the food you put in your stomach, more to your outer appearance than the clothes you hang on hyour body. look at the birds, free and unfettered, not tied down to a job description, careless in the care of god... all this time and money wasted on fashion do you think it makes that much difference? instead of looking at the fashions, walk out into the fields and look at the wildflowers. they never primp or shop but have you ever seen color and design quite like it? the ten best dressed men and women in the country look shabby alongside them. steep your life in god reality, god initiative and god provisions. dont worry about missing out. god will meet your needs.

give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and dont get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow, god will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes."

this is loaded with stuff thats been on my mind lately. i think i see the world alot differently that most people. i havent decided if this is good or bad. collectively, i think it is usually positive, but thats because my own mind tells me it is, thus an endless cycle is born.

sometimes i worry that i'm missing out on things... or i will miss out if i actually follow the bible word for word. then i end up not really following it or taking things lightly which ends up hurting in the end. its lame. i dont understand why i cant realize that god really will meet my every need, even if its not how i intended. i think i worry to much about everything... this doesnt add anything to my life.

today part of my procrastination was cleaning out my closet.. i ran across old journals and some pictures from africa. it made my heart ache pretty bad and i cried. i will never be the same. i think i already knew that... but a year later and it still just leaves me feeling so helpless. its a really weird & awful feeling.

i dont want to be asleep in my living. i want my eyes to be so wide open and i want everyday to be purposeful. i want to see the beauty in every little thing. i think this makes us realize how beautiful god is on a daily basis. "sleeper awake! rise from the dead and christ will shine on you... be careful then how you live, not unwise, but wise, making the most of time b/c the days are eveil, dont be foolish but understand what the will of the lord is..." i think scripture really is clear with us on how we should live but we just dont usually feel like following it, so we end up owning parts of our heart and that leaves us divided people... and over time division just causes things to fall apart, right? i dont want to be divided. and even if i think i'm divided, i'm really not because you're either living for the lord or not. thats so crazy.

i'm trying to figure out lately how life is. how life is supposed to be. how jesus actually intended for us to live. its hard for me because there are so many things and people saying that they know the way that christians should live. so many different ideas and philosophies and trends saying this or that. it makes my mind crazy. i just want jesus to be stoked on my life. i want him to be pleased. thats it. so i'm just trusting in him right now to show me what that can look like, what it can mean for me... apart from him i cant do anything.

psalm37:themessage.
...open up before god, keep nothing back; he'll do whatever needs to be done; he'll validate your life in the clear light of day...quiet down before god, be prayerful before him... less is more and more is less... a righteous heart pumps gods word like blood through his veins; wait passionately for god, dont leave the path, he'll give you your place in the sun...the spacious free life is from god...when we run to him, he saves us.

now this is really long and i'm sure nobody got to the bottom but i think i just needed to spill some stuff out to figure out whats on my mind.

a good day

2008-06-22T01:42:00.004-05:00

i'm listening to a good song right now while i watch julie sew. julie is a friend that makes you think about jesus in new ways and makes your heart so happy. if you dont know her, you should.
i hope you are all having a wonderful day. i'm having a great day myself. i went garage saleing... sailing... saling? with some great people called the welchs and then had hen house chinese, if you havent had it you should. then i went to bodies revealed with my family and drea. they are amazing folks. and the exhibit, it was grand. i learned alot and it made me want to live a healthy life... which brings me to summer of health. this is a new challenge for us from now on... i am excited for this.

tonight we celebrated my small friend's birthday. she is turning 20 next week, but will be leaving for vietnam soon so we partied early. it consisted of lots of laughing and walking around fun places. my friends are the best and i love them.

kelsey comes in a week. i am so excited about this.

everyone should go to the record bar on monday june 30. it will rock your lives away.

would i be ashamed or would i be set free?

2008-06-19T01:01:00.001-05:00

do something
Originally uploaded by katie.kindler

everybody is waiting for something to happen but we're all balled up in the corner with our pinkies in our ears and every eye pulled tightly shut. we wont stop crying and we cant stop wishing for change. but nobody seems to be able to get up. even though my legs can walk, they're asleep and cramped up, and the tingling and uncomfortable feeling would be too much if i tried to move. right? we keep thinking we're locked in and that we can't leave but i swear i just saw the door wide open. if we only knew how free we'd be if we stood up and walked away.

vocabulary is for life.

2008-06-14T19:21:00.005-05:00

these are my favorite kind.

i sat in class today for 7 hours. that sounds miserable but it was actually so great. i just drew and wrote all day... and it was time well spent. i felt like my heart was on fire when i left. just excited for life.

after class i went and sat on the street and tried to read. my book seemed boring and all i could do was stare at everyone going along with their daily lives. i didnt have my ipod so i just listened to conversations of passersby. it reminded me of how i want to live my life and how i want to love so much. there is so much beauty in everybody and i want to learn to love them..just because they exist. i suck at loving people alot. julie and i were just discussing that first we must dwell in and understand a tiny bit of gods love for us... then we might be able to love the right way. when i think about his love, it changes my mind and my heart and my words. it conforms who i am into this other person. i want that always. i want my life to be completely recklessly taken by jesus.

my words havent come out lately how i've wanted. i cant be who i want. i cant say what i want. my words are jumbled because my thoughts are so chaotic. i dont know why. its humbling. and frustrating. i feel like there is so much going on inside but i dont know how to express what i mean. ask me. it will come out a mess.

if i'm friends with you. lets talk about life and jesus and what you're learning and what i'm learning. this is community and this is church and thats how we grow.

i know a little of why theres blood in my body, pumping life into my limbs and thought into my brain. i'm wanted by god. jesus doesnt just love me out of principle; he doesnt just love me because its the right thing to do. rather, there is something inside me that caused him to love me. if i walked up to his campfire, he'd ask me to sit and he would ask me my story. he'd take the time to listen to my ramblings or my anger until i could calm down and then he'd look me directly in the eye and he'd speak to me; he'd tell me the truth and i would sense in his voice and in the lines on his face that he liked me. he'd rebuke me, too, and he'd tell me that i have prejudices against very religious people and that i need to deal with that; he'd tell me that there are poor people in the world and i need to feed them and that somehow this will make me more happy. i think he'd tell me what my gifts are and why i have then and he'd give me ideas on how to use them. i think he would explain things and point out very clearly all the ways god has taken care of me through the years, all the stuff god's protected me from. i wanna talk to him and hear everything he has to say.

lets talk about this.

i have a headache.

2008-06-04T16:12:00.002-05:00

i've been frustrated lately with my lack of action. i've been discussing this with a few people lately and it seems that our hearts are all being stirred... but we don't necessarily know what to do. i say numerous things about how i want to live/don't want to live and my life rarely reflects those words. it's lame. holding values without actions to back it up is a dangerous and ignorant thing. i don't want to be that kind of person. to move from these thoughts to action, it's imperative to feel discomfort with who we are. we wont develop any discontent if we compare ourselves with anyone or anything. so this discomfort has been ripping my insides apart for some time now and i am excited about it. my heart, since last summer, has made a series of changes... through realization and discomfort and i believe that if we're honest with ourselves, there will always be ways to become more like jesus... everyday for the rest of our lives.

i don't know exactly what it looks like to be a follower of christ, but i know that i want it so much. i lack courage to carry out my convictions, and i'm a hypocrite (i have knowledge without action) i realize that i need to recognize, and seek out opportunities to become more like jesus and act on it. this could look like a ton of different things. whether its how i spend my time everyday, if i'm in constant conversation with god, if i'm volunteering at the homeless shelter or recycling my plastics, whether is speak to the average passerby or inviting them to dinner... how i spend my money, how i love or don't love. how i'm challeging my thoughts and serving the people around me.

it's overwhelming to me because i feel like i have so much to do and so much to change. but i also realize that the lord wants me to do all these things.. he wants my life to radiate this love. so when i pray for these opportunities and seek them out, he'll totally provide them and then provide the strength to do them. i must force myself to remember and be completely motivated by god's love behind it.

i really dont ever want to grow comfortable with the way that i live. contstant growth and constant change is something i desire so much. a content mind is so proud and is has nothing to learn. it has an answer to everything and nothing to ask. i really think that jesus wants our minds to be super active, like a little kid with a million questions.

alot of these questions have been raised in my mind because of a few books... "serve god save the planet" by matthew sleeth and "the irresistible revolution" by shane claiborne, both of which i would highly recommend to you.

what.to.do.

volunteering.

the kansas city rescue mission.
www.kcrm.org

city union misison.
www.cumission.org

www.volunteermatch.org

recycling and other environmental issues.

www.bridgingthegap.org

surprise me.

2008-05-26T03:33:00.005-05:00

screened in porches and coffee on rainy nights are genuinely great. summertime is the best, however, friday introduces a whole new aspect. classes start and i'm trying really hard not to dread it. i feel like my summer is over and that bums me out.

driving home tonight was sleepy and rainy but i felt like i just wanted to drive and keep driving until morning... which is only 3 hours away, and that made it sound so logical to me... to just go wherever the road led, then get breakfast when i see the sun come up. but i decided to come home instead. i cant fall asleep because the rain sounds too perfect on my roof. i want to go outside and play in it.

another goal for the summer:

to learn to ride a fixed gear like these hipsters.

nashville.

2008-05-24T01:00:00.000-05:00

i just got home and my heart feels refreshed and heavy... heavy in a good way. man... spending time with people was so rad.. talking about the lord was so good. it seemed my soul was starving for it in a sense.

lately i've felt so weird in every conversation and every relationship i have. i feel like my mind hasn't been able to express what my heart was feeling and my conversations have been dry and off. its been my fault completely... but i just realized this week that i needed community in a way that hasn't shown up in my life a lot lately. i think sometimes this has to be intentional. it had to be in my life.... for some reason i was pushing it away... or avoiding it as it sat in front of me.

god put so many insane conversations in my path this week... he ripped up a bunch of stuff in my heart that needed to be cleaned out and just forced me to acknowledge my humanity and talk about it all. this is so needed for growth. its like i just push stuff to the corners of my heart & don't deal with it because i don't feel like it. but so much stuff had become clutter on my heart without me being aware. just stupid stuff... then i came to the point where i felt so cold & boring towards everyone and everything in my life... not having challenging spiritual conversation and not getting excited about much. i think that gets so old and so wearing on my heart. my time with god had been super rich but time with other people i had let become dull. for some reason i just couldn't really speak my mind clearly or show love fully.
man. god used the people in my life to challenge my time with him and pray and worship together. the lord released my mind from clutter and restored my heart... we had this amazing night in this little bell tower chapel. it was legit community for the first time in forever.. just because i allowed god to do that. i know he wants that for us. geez... i desire that community so much in my life too. we were made for it.
i'm stoked for this summer to bring that. legitimate community and challenge.
i read this in the message paraphrase this week and thought it was for real what god was doing in me this week. " god isn't a indifferent bystander, he's actively cleaning house, torching all that needs to burn and he wont quit until its all cleansed. god himself is fire."
his love is so intense and its far better than anything else i'll find. i want to be consumed by it and i wanna learn how to pour it out.

vegetables, fruit & rice

2008-05-18T01:30:00.000-05:00

the weather today was perfect. my bikeride was extra great and my shoulders got sunburned... or sunburnt. i dont know which one it is. this is a commonly debated thing.

apparently people in lees summit need to take classes on how to have a good garage sale. yesterday consisted one of the most unsuccessful garage saling days i've ever experienced... minus a knome on all fours, a backgammon game and a dress for a quarter.

things i've learned lately: surprising is one of my favorite things. squarts. mia shows provide the sickest dance party ever. broadway has the best coffee and backgammon is fun. french fries are a vegetable. not every single thing needs to be responded to. facebook and myspace and other things are not needed for daily life. the beattitudes in the message paraphrase are lovely.

lately the words of scripture have been hitting my heart so differently. i feel like im on the edge of something rad. i'm so happy to be alive right now.

wake up

tops of buildings & julie's apartment.

2008-05-12T03:47:00.000-05:00

summer has officially arrived & its fun already. tonight i think a few things on our list were covered and good conversation accompanied them. when the weather gets nicer it will be even better. the dr. pepper will taste more refreshing and the headstands wont hurt so bad on the warmer concrete.

speaking of good weather... its been raining lately quite a bit which i love. the other day, yesterday actually... i was sitting in a coffee shop and it was pouring down rain, too loud to ignore. chill music was playing slightly softer than the noise of the rain. i was sipping my white mocha... reading and enjoying the candlelit table. and it was almost as if god was crawling underneath my skin. i realized while sitting there, that was a moment that i want to store in my brain for a really long time. probably forever. i enjoy moments alone. i realize this may be strange. i dont mean this in a dark, depressing way. i love being around people as well. but there is something about being alone that makes me remember that i'm alive and breathing... that i'm actually a person with a name and a face.... like. put here for something. maybe its because nobody is looking at me or aknowledging me except for passersby. i catch glances here and there, some pleasant, some distraught, but glances nonetheless. i enjoy these interactions more than most people, i think. i absolutely love them. i try to read these peoples lives & ask god if theres anything i can do to bring them joy. i try to see through them. and alot of people make me laugh outloud. which then brings me to a point where i'm the insane person sitting alone laughing at nothing. oh well.

lets be honest.

2008-05-08T17:57:00.000-05:00

it's quite a funny thing...that we think people would want to know about our lives. we would even go to the great lengths of starting an online journal, known as a blog (what is that anyway)... but we update it thinking people will read this and think _____ about me. what a weird thing.

now that i think of it, i think that there are many more things in life that have an underlying motive... we might even make up reasons why we do the things we do to justify their validity in our minds, or to other people. but a majority of the things we do or say are for other peoples reactions... and if not, for self satisfaction... however all the time realizing that this too doesn't really matter.

so here i am, starting a blog. i have one. actually two. one was only updated while i was in africa.. so i feel like for some reason that it must stay untouched now. the other... its too personal to let other people know about. it may be offensive or embarassing. i could never comment on other peoples blogs under that name. how humiliating. so here i sit, creating yet another blog.

this one is for my feelings or thoughts on life too or thats what i'm saying to justify the fact that i'm starting it. hm...

i've been babysitting for like a week almost now. i feel drained. i dont think i want to be a mother of a five year old right now. i guess that is good since it's quite impossible unless something happened 5 years ago that i somehow dont remember... so.. not really a plausible thought.

i've had a lot of down time to just think. sometimes being alone in my head is scary or just draining in itself. but this has been good. this week has made me take notice of several things in my life that arent beneficial. i've just been thinking of the changes in my heart and mind that could happen and be pivitol in my life, relationships with people and with God.

i really think that the first part of this summer is going to be like a 40 day refinement... i havent ironed out all the details and i dont think i will. i'm excited to run full force at it though. it's like a "crash".. a herd of rhino's running full force (they can run at 3omph!!!) but they can only see like 30 feet ahead of them. so crazy. so thats what i want. barbarian summer. running so hard, almost blindlyll knowing that God will in fact show up and do something super rad. i'm nervous about change... nervous that it wnt turn out as expected... i always seem to be dissapointed by failed expectations... but i guess i dont really have many for this one... i am just excited for renewal... and refinement and purification.

plus i have made a list of 75 things to do this summer. i'm so stoked about this.

so my blog. here it is.