sometimes i just need jesus to sew something new into my heart. lately i've felt like i don't know what it looks like to follow him anymore. maybe i never have completely. i sell my thoughts and my life to so many worthless things that end up leaving me bored out of my mind and hopeless.
maybe i don't realize the strength of Gods love. maybe i cant see His intense desire to lead me. i think i just forgot. i don't know that anyone could ever know what "following jesus" is perfectly supposed to look like.
i honestly don't know how i've gotten to this place that i sit.. and i couldn't explain how i feel if i tried. no one really asked anyway.
i wasn't prepared for such change and perhaps one couldn't be. my job is draining and everything that i love just seems an arms length out of my reach. i'm rather tired.
i realized that i want to be in touch with everything there is to know about god. i want to live better and love more. i want to know people. and be known.
i need so desperately to be distracted from myself... and this person i tend to be. she sucks. i need life and humanity to be redeemed in my heart.
i read about stephen's life today in acts and how he was so full of the spirit of god. he was a rad dude... he got called to care for the poor. everyone knew he was legit, so these dudes thought they'd try to argue him down. they were no match for his wisdom and spirit when he spoke, so they lied and said he was talking crap on moses and god. so he goes before the high council and they looked at him and they couldn't stop stare because his face was shining like an angel. i was secretly envious of this. so they ask him, "what do you have to say for yourself" and he goes into this ridiculously long story that goes generations before him... and then it ends with him saying, "and you continue, so bullheaded! calluses on your hearts, flaps on your ears! deliberately ignoring the holy spirit, you're just like your ancestors....you had God's law handed to you and you squandered in it...
so then everyone went wilt and it says that stephen, full of the holy spirit, hardly noticed because he only had eyes for god... and then they dragged him out of the town and pelted him with rocks and all he said was, "master, jesus, take my life...master don't blame them for this sin." then he died.
i liked that story a lot.
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4 comments:
Katie, I'm so far away but I'm so close to where you are. I'm here with you and I can just think of your birthday candle and what it ment. I think this will be the most beautiful place to find God when we're dealing with the hard, draining, lonley, confusing and love-less realities that life has. I think when I get to the point of knowing God in this reality, He will become so much more to me. He is a real God that can handle real life and isn't just a game for Sunday church culture. He is a God worth believing and following in real life. I guess I don't know if this is where you are, but I was just thinking about it. I'm here I'm here I'm here and I wish I had the privlidge of asking everyday.
Sister,
You seem to be in a similar spot to where I found myself after college. It was incredibly tough to find myself living out of that college community I had. I like reading your thoughts on this blog. Keep it up.
i like this. you are upstairs and i like that too.
okay. so....
i have the strongest urge to drop the f-bomb right now because of how ridiculously badly i needed to read this blog. yea, it's whatever...
okay, no it's not, but i'm pretending it's okay because i'm not gonna lie, the f-bomb is liberating in ways i don't understand.
kate, i am not even remotely exaggerating when i tell you that i am a ball of tears right now, and instantly came to your blog because i knew words would be waiting for me. words that with breadth and meaning to my life right now.
how does this always happen with you?
you might be a saint. whelp, not yet, but maybe one day. just kidding. but not really...
i don't know what's up. i'm just down and hurting a lot. like you said, there's really no way to describe it. and no one asked. stoic. complacent. discontent. on so many levels, i long for something, but i don't even know what that something is.
or i didn't.
and now i just have this overwhelming feeling that it's the holy spirit that i need to FEEL again. i forgot what it's like to feel Him.
i think i forgot how to breathe.
because the very act and the very essence of breathing is God Himself, moving in and out of our lungs in a manner that has become so repetitive, lacking such thought, that even our mere thoughts of Him can never do Him justice.
how can i forget that He is my very LIFE? literally.
my breaths. that seem more like gasps these days.
i don't even know what else to say. honestly. except that your words have blessed me to an extent that i'm not even quite sure of yet, and i'm thankful.
i love you.
i am praying for you.
and this too shall pass.
at God's own pace, of course.
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