maryville was good for me. i needed to remember what it felt like. i think maryville was where i became myself over the past four years... its where i learned that i can be real and not have to pretend. sometimes kansas city makes me feel like i need to pretend. lately its felt that way anyway. its funny, the past 4 years of my life all i wanted was to move to kc and now that i live here i feel alone.
i need community like i had in maryville. its weird how you dont realize how good something is until its not around anymore. moving to kansas city has been so good. but in the past month or so i've had so much drastic change in my life and its taken such a toll on me. i just realized how much this weekend. my heart feels so tired.
i realized that i'm being selfish. driving home today i decided that i cant allow myself be bummed out. theres so much else i could be pouring my time into. there's so many people to love and things to do that mean something.
i miss meaningful conversations and staying up all night.
i set expectations for everything and when things dont play out how i expect then i end up dissapointed. i desire for community but i dont pray for it or look for it. i want to know people so deeply... all their crap and good stuff. i want to be known completely too. nearly all the people that i love live far away from me...and i just miss them... even when they're only 30 minutes away. my heart is missing out on being challenged. i lack accountability or people asking what gods doing in my heart or how he's showing love to me.
everything in my life seems displaced. but for some reason it feels okay right now.... i think sometimes everything needs to be displaced if knowing god better requires it. thats what i want. i just want to know god better. and i want to know people better. for me, thats when holiness is displayed in my life. when i want god. i read in 1st peter yesterday, "let yourselves be pulled into a way of life shaped by god's life, a life energetic & blazing with holiness... he wont let you get by with sloppy living. your life is a journey, you must travel with deep conciousness of god. love as if your life depended on it."
i want to feel alive and i want to love like my life depends on it. that would be good.
get it.
- kate
- one more time, love, wont you come remind me i'm someone believed in... i'm someone still within your reach. awake, come thought. oh how sweet the sound. i know it saved but is it changing a wretch like me? oh my god how sweet the sound, i was blind but now i see.
people
other ones.
6 comments:
Wow. It seems like we're having a lot of similar thoughts right now. Good stuff. I'm about to put a crap load of thoughts I've been working on up on my blog in a few days...Remember that snow storm with Brad? Yeah, good times.
Katie- once again I feel like our lifes have found themselves on a similar path. I had a dream about you last night- I was worried about you. Already looking forward to being with you and talking this through in person when we're through learning what we're suppose to learn through this. Love you girl.
this could have been a story ripped right from the pages of my current life. i mustttt see you and catch up soon!
i would rather you be in manhattan than in maryville. but i am really glad you passed your interview. youre cooler than me.
Just tell me when is a good dinner night for you. I tutor on Monday and Wednesday nights...but other than that I'm available. I miss my girl.
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