rob? nature?

we went downtown to see art and dancing. we ended up in here. julie, katie, nicholas.

i think i've learned a lot in the past week... the past month, really. i think god is teaching me a lot about people and communication with people and interactions with people. it's so insane to me how people come in contact with one another so randomly and then begin to build up knowledge about the other person and care for each other. & then you learn life from them and love from them. and it makes you want to live better and differently and before you know it, you desire things that you never knew you would and its so good. i dont know why this concept is strange in my mind but it is. the human experience in itself is so beautifully odd to me. its crazy to look around and recognize that the lord is so in love with every person i encounter everyday. it makes me want to love well. i was reading yesterday about how i should go after a life of love as if my life depended on it... i've been staring at people until i see this beauty radiate from who they are... who they are deeper than their skin and their bones down into their veins where their blood just pumps this existence that cant make sense in my little mind. it's so freaking beautiful to me. it makes me want to know this old lady in my painting class and the man dennis that works at my favorite salvation army and it makes me want to sit down and have coffee with eddie, this dude i see at broadway cafe... it makes me want to learn their lives and their hearts.

a few weeks back i was sitting at a french restaurant just south of the plaza in kansas city. this place isnt my favorite place to go. most of the people that go to this quaint corner restaurant lived right around there and basically wear money on their faces. i smile at them or say good afternoon in my most sophisticated voice and sometimes they respond, but mostly just turn up their nose and put on a forced grin. i dont fit in with my greasy hair and dirty shoes, but my good friend julie works there as the barista and she makes the best caramel steamer i've ever had. julie loves those people regardless of their nose turn ups. i went to see her on this particular day. it was one of the hottest days of the summer thus far. i sat outside and let the sweat drip down my face after a short half an hour... i suppose that just added to my trashiness sitting in this uppity part of town in my sweaty thrift store dress. i sat with my sketchbook and a book, reading and thinking about the lord. i thought about why he loved me and why he wanted me. i thought about old friends and new ones and how they entered or left my life. just normal stuff swimming through my head.

i moved inside after a while and sat in a leather chair by the window. this was the chair i usually sat in when i went to see julie. i pulled my feet up into the chair with me, knees to my chin, and wrapped my arms around my legs. before i knew it i was sucked back into the book. i was reading a book by an ordinary man, discussing nonreligious views on christian spirituality. i felt like he was my brother or an uncle. he felt close. he just wrote about life and situations that happened to him... and how gods grace moved through his bones and made him feel alive or frustrated or unworthy or lovely. it challenged me and i couldnt stop reading.

i looked up from my book to see a man walk in with a book and a journal. he was in his mid 30s maybe, walking alone. he had on pleated khaki pants and dress shoes with a long sleeved collared shirt. he got black coffee and sat outside, i thought he must have been extremely hot on the patio but i'm convinced that guys dont notice that they're sweating as quick as girls. i wondered what he was reading and wiggled around in my seat to see if i could make out the title on the binding of his book through the coffee bar window. i couldnt see. its always interested me to see what people care about. what makes their hearts beat faster. what makes other people feel alive. i think feeling alive is so important.... otherwise you feel dead and you forget that this life is a beautiful dance. i think i tend to forget my humanity and become numb to what i was really made for..

i feel alive when it rains or when the lightning won't stop. my friend mallory likes to call it a strobe light and my brother always likes to stop the car and watch it. i feel alive when it's sunny out and i have nothing on the agenda. i feel alive on my bike or with my friends or family... praying with people makes me feel alive...man. i feel so incredibly alive when i read words that make my heart awaken from sleep... words about Jesus and about love. when i was reading that day, i just felt alive. and as i sat there watching julie across the restaurant, serve coffee to an old couple, i decided i wanted to be a writer. writing makes me feel alive. words make me feel alive. not empty words and empty passion that leads nowhere, but words that are loaded with Jesus and with human experience. words that are convincing and fire me to put passion to action. real words that tell stories of humanity being scrolled out into a picture. those kinds of words... they make my heart beat faster.

i think i'll go to bed now.