i sat in class today for 7 hours. that sounds miserable but it was actually so great. i just drew and wrote all day... and it was time well spent. i felt like my heart was on fire when i left. just excited for life.
after class i went and sat on the street and tried to read. my book seemed boring and all i could do was stare at everyone going along with their daily lives. i didnt have my ipod so i just listened to conversations of passersby. it reminded me of how i want to live my life and how i want to love so much. there is so much beauty in everybody and i want to learn to love them..just because they exist. i suck at loving people alot. julie and i were just discussing that first we must dwell in and understand a tiny bit of gods love for us... then we might be able to love the right way. when i think about his love, it changes my mind and my heart and my words. it conforms who i am into this other person. i want that always. i want my life to be completely recklessly taken by jesus.
my words havent come out lately how i've wanted. i cant be who i want. i cant say what i want. my words are jumbled because my thoughts are so chaotic. i dont know why. its humbling. and frustrating. i feel like there is so much going on inside but i dont know how to express what i mean. ask me. it will come out a mess.
if i'm friends with you. lets talk about life and jesus and what you're learning and what i'm learning. this is community and this is church and thats how we grow.
i know a little of why theres blood in my body, pumping life into my limbs and thought into my brain. i'm wanted by god. jesus doesnt just love me out of principle; he doesnt just love me because its the right thing to do. rather, there is something inside me that caused him to love me. if i walked up to his campfire, he'd ask me to sit and he would ask me my story. he'd take the time to listen to my ramblings or my anger until i could calm down and then he'd look me directly in the eye and he'd speak to me; he'd tell me the truth and i would sense in his voice and in the lines on his face that he liked me. he'd rebuke me, too, and he'd tell me that i have prejudices against very religious people and that i need to deal with that; he'd tell me that there are poor people in the world and i need to feed them and that somehow this will make me more happy. i think he'd tell me what my gifts are and why i have then and he'd give me ideas on how to use them. i think he would explain things and point out very clearly all the ways god has taken care of me through the years, all the stuff god's protected me from. i wanna talk to him and hear everything he has to say.
lets talk about this.
after class i went and sat on the street and tried to read. my book seemed boring and all i could do was stare at everyone going along with their daily lives. i didnt have my ipod so i just listened to conversations of passersby. it reminded me of how i want to live my life and how i want to love so much. there is so much beauty in everybody and i want to learn to love them..just because they exist. i suck at loving people alot. julie and i were just discussing that first we must dwell in and understand a tiny bit of gods love for us... then we might be able to love the right way. when i think about his love, it changes my mind and my heart and my words. it conforms who i am into this other person. i want that always. i want my life to be completely recklessly taken by jesus.
my words havent come out lately how i've wanted. i cant be who i want. i cant say what i want. my words are jumbled because my thoughts are so chaotic. i dont know why. its humbling. and frustrating. i feel like there is so much going on inside but i dont know how to express what i mean. ask me. it will come out a mess.
if i'm friends with you. lets talk about life and jesus and what you're learning and what i'm learning. this is community and this is church and thats how we grow.
i know a little of why theres blood in my body, pumping life into my limbs and thought into my brain. i'm wanted by god. jesus doesnt just love me out of principle; he doesnt just love me because its the right thing to do. rather, there is something inside me that caused him to love me. if i walked up to his campfire, he'd ask me to sit and he would ask me my story. he'd take the time to listen to my ramblings or my anger until i could calm down and then he'd look me directly in the eye and he'd speak to me; he'd tell me the truth and i would sense in his voice and in the lines on his face that he liked me. he'd rebuke me, too, and he'd tell me that i have prejudices against very religious people and that i need to deal with that; he'd tell me that there are poor people in the world and i need to feed them and that somehow this will make me more happy. i think he'd tell me what my gifts are and why i have then and he'd give me ideas on how to use them. i think he would explain things and point out very clearly all the ways god has taken care of me through the years, all the stuff god's protected me from. i wanna talk to him and hear everything he has to say.
lets talk about this.
4 comments:
katie. i want to talk to you.
that was so beautiful. i have felt for so much time now that i cannot communicate anything, like i'm trapped in this body unable to speak clearly, or efficiently, like it would take me so much longer to actually say what i want to, and by that time, no one wants to listen anymore.
like right now.
i'm again tongue tied as to what i want to say.
soon, we will talk and ramble and make no sense and love.
every second of it.
miss you.
i just hope you dont want to have dandelions in your wedding.
nick
your words bring tears streaming down my cheeks in such a way that it warms my face, yet takes away the fever i have from the sickness i acquired in africa.
the way you know and describe jesus convicts me. it teaches me i have so far to go, we all do, but it's a hard truth. a beautiful one. i want to sit around his campfire too.
i also feel like i have such a hard time articulating most of what i feel, and often times i see people viewing me completely differently than i hoped they would. i see them roll their eyes. i see them judge on the basis of nothing. usually my blonde hair.
and then i realize that only God's opinion of me matters, and i wonder how He could love me so much. i annoy myself, so i think surely He too is annoyed. i'm wrong. and yet i am faced with my human desire to be loved and accepted by humans. mere people who are probably just as confused as i am. why is this? why do i care what they think? i know we were designed for fellowship, but i think the fellowship Christ had in mind does not involve censoring everything you think and feel. it requires brutal honesty, the kind of honesty that when all is said and done, you feel a huge weight lifted from you because you realize that you just said what was on your heart, the good, the bad, and the ugly, and it felt damn good. and frankly, jesus wasn't popular. he wasn't concerned with being liked. he was concerned with loving.
well, this was the longest comment ever, but i wanted you to know how very wonderful you are. i can't wait to catch up with you and hear about your summer and your classes and your heart and what is currently making it beat faster.
i love that God put you in my life. fricken love it.
and i hope you DO want to have dandelions at your wedding...
Post a Comment