today has been a good day. i'm procrastinating studying for a dreadful african art history test that i have tomorrow. procrastination always brings the best of times.
this morning started with a bike ride on a fixed gear bicycle that wasn't mine. i loved it. then i read matthew 6 in the message and it made me want to live well.
"your eyes are windows into your body. if you open your eyes wide in wonder and belief, your body fills up with light. if you live squinty eyed... your body is a dank cellar. if you pull the blinds on your windows, what a dark life you will have! you cant worship two gods at once... you cant worship god and money both. if you decide for god, living a life of god worhsip, it follows that you dont fuss about whats on the table at mealtimes or whether the clothes in your closet are in fashion. there is far more to your life than the food you put in your stomach, more to your outer appearance than the clothes you hang on hyour body. look at the birds, free and unfettered, not tied down to a job description, careless in the care of god... all this time and money wasted on fashion do you think it makes that much difference? instead of looking at the fashions, walk out into the fields and look at the wildflowers. they never primp or shop but have you ever seen color and design quite like it? the ten best dressed men and women in the country look shabby alongside them. steep your life in god reality, god initiative and god provisions. dont worry about missing out. god will meet your needs.
give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and dont get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow, god will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes."
this is loaded with stuff thats been on my mind lately. i think i see the world alot differently that most people. i havent decided if this is good or bad. collectively, i think it is usually positive, but thats because my own mind tells me it is, thus an endless cycle is born.
sometimes i worry that i'm missing out on things... or i will miss out if i actually follow the bible word for word. then i end up not really following it or taking things lightly which ends up hurting in the end. its lame. i dont understand why i cant realize that god really will meet my every need, even if its not how i intended. i think i worry to much about everything... this doesnt add anything to my life.
today part of my procrastination was cleaning out my closet.. i ran across old journals and some pictures from africa. it made my heart ache pretty bad and i cried. i will never be the same. i think i already knew that... but a year later and it still just leaves me feeling so helpless. its a really weird & awful feeling.
i dont want to be asleep in my living. i want my eyes to be so wide open and i want everyday to be purposeful. i want to see the beauty in every little thing. i think this makes us realize how beautiful god is on a daily basis. "sleeper awake! rise from the dead and christ will shine on you... be careful then how you live, not unwise, but wise, making the most of time b/c the days are eveil, dont be foolish but understand what the will of the lord is..." i think scripture really is clear with us on how we should live but we just dont usually feel like following it, so we end up owning parts of our heart and that leaves us divided people... and over time division just causes things to fall apart, right? i dont want to be divided. and even if i think i'm divided, i'm really not because you're either living for the lord or not. thats so crazy.
i'm trying to figure out lately how life is. how life is supposed to be. how jesus actually intended for us to live. its hard for me because there are so many things and people saying that they know the way that christians should live. so many different ideas and philosophies and trends saying this or that. it makes my mind crazy. i just want jesus to be stoked on my life. i want him to be pleased. thats it. so i'm just trusting in him right now to show me what that can look like, what it can mean for me... apart from him i cant do anything.
psalm37:themessage.
...open up before god, keep nothing back; he'll do whatever needs to be done; he'll validate your life in the clear light of day...quiet down before god, be prayerful before him... less is more and more is less... a righteous heart pumps gods word like blood through his veins; wait passionately for god, dont leave the path, he'll give you your place in the sun...the spacious free life is from god...when we run to him, he saves us.
now this is really long and i'm sure nobody got to the bottom but i think i just needed to spill some stuff out to figure out whats on my mind.
get it.
- kate
- one more time, love, wont you come remind me i'm someone believed in... i'm someone still within your reach. awake, come thought. oh how sweet the sound. i know it saved but is it changing a wretch like me? oh my god how sweet the sound, i was blind but now i see.
people
other ones.
6 comments:
i love YOU so much. and i hope you, me and Niece can get together this next week. exciting news.
lady kate,
you have no idea how much i love you. you are very missed! i'm sorry i haven't really updated, but i've been super busy and tired and sick and stressed, but it's all good and all part of God's beautiful plan. i don't think he really wanted me on the net much. He wanted me disconnected from the rest of the planet, and focused on these children.
nonetheless, i will tell you everything, and plan to journal/perhaps add it to the book i'm supposed to write one of these days.
keep writing, and i'll keep reading. you are rad n' a half.
p.s.- how do i get a list of my friend's blog sites on my page, like you have? all this technology stuff is hard on me. ha.
I think so many Christians are lost in this world. The ideas and standards and ways of life that this world instills in them. As Americans, and Christians, are we willing to forfeit the American dream for God's glory? To give our heart only to God and not live the married life if it brings glory to God? To leave the idea of getting a job/working for the rest of our life if it brings glory to God?
Granted, some are possibly called to this way of living to be a light to those living a similar lifestyle without God, and being married could strengthen your relationship with God and your ministry. BUT... is it the Christian way to EXPECT to graduate, get married, get a job, buy a home and raise a family? I don't think we should expect anything but bringing glory to God.
This is me posting on your blog just like you asked. I follow directions well, huh?
that would be your fault. update this thing.
nick
i got to the bottom. i always do. your words have a way of making me want to read more. that is so rad to me. anyway, i seriously feel the same way about wanting God to be stoked about my life, and "that's it". seriously. when non-believers ask me what my goal is in all this "believin'", that's what is say. i don't have amazingly insightful and profound words for them. i never do...and i'm learning to be okay with that. God will speak through me somehow.
so obviously when i commented before i didn't really have time to read this post (still in africa), but now that i've read it, it echoes. the part about you procrastinating by cleaning out your closet and finding the journals and crying because your heart is forever changed...and it hurts sometimes, like you knew it would. ahhhhhhhhh!!!! that's all too real to my own life right now, and when i read that, i cried. kate kate kate. i cried in learning that you cried because i currently cry and thus i'm not alone! God is so gracious in giving us people who are experiencing similar emotions so that our talk can be meaningful and genuine and robust and not just filled with....words, ya know?
so i was thinking....you move back up to maryville, share a room with marty (right across the hall from me), and commute to KC every day.
(so wasteful, i know, but it was an amazing thought, nonetheless)
which reminds me---i did read "Serve God Save The Planet" while i was in africa, and it did crazy good things to my heart too. i know you've read it. we should collaborate. since you love to collaborate so much. :)
i'm awesome at leaving lengthy comments. yessss!
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