nashville.

i just got home and my heart feels refreshed and heavy... heavy in a good way. man... spending time with people was so rad.. talking about the lord was so good. it seemed my soul was starving for it in a sense.

lately i've felt so weird in every conversation and every relationship i have. i feel like my mind hasn't been able to express what my heart was feeling and my conversations have been dry and off. its been my fault completely... but i just realized this week that i needed community in a way that hasn't shown up in my life a lot lately. i think sometimes this has to be intentional. it had to be in my life.... for some reason i was pushing it away... or avoiding it as it sat in front of me.

god put so many insane conversations in my path this week... he ripped up a bunch of stuff in my heart that needed to be cleaned out and just forced me to acknowledge my humanity and talk about it all. this is so needed for growth. its like i just push stuff to the corners of my heart & don't deal with it because i don't feel like it. but so much stuff had become clutter on my heart without me being aware. just stupid stuff... then i came to the point where i felt so cold & boring towards everyone and everything in my life... not having challenging spiritual conversation and not getting excited about much. i think that gets so old and so wearing on my heart. my time with god had been super rich but time with other people i had let become dull. for some reason i just couldn't really speak my mind clearly or show love fully.
man. god used the people in my life to challenge my time with him and pray and worship together. the lord released my mind from clutter and restored my heart... we had this amazing night in this little bell tower chapel. it was legit community for the first time in forever.. just because i allowed god to do that. i know he wants that for us. geez... i desire that community so much in my life too. we were made for it.
i'm stoked for this summer to bring that. legitimate community and challenge.
i read this in the message paraphrase this week and thought it was for real what god was doing in me this week. " god isn't a indifferent bystander, he's actively cleaning house, torching all that needs to burn and he wont quit until its all cleansed. god himself is fire."
his love is so intense and its far better than anything else i'll find. i want to be consumed by it and i wanna learn how to pour it out.