lets be honest.

it's quite a funny thing...that we think people would want to know about our lives. we would even go to the great lengths of starting an online journal, known as a blog (what is that anyway)... but we update it thinking people will read this and think _____ about me. what a weird thing.

now that i think of it, i think that there are many more things in life that have an underlying motive... we might even make up reasons why we do the things we do to justify their validity in our minds, or to other people. but a majority of the things we do or say are for other peoples reactions... and if not, for self satisfaction... however all the time realizing that this too doesn't really matter.

so here i am, starting a blog. i have one. actually two. one was only updated while i was in africa.. so i feel like for some reason that it must stay untouched now. the other... its too personal to let other people know about. it may be offensive or embarassing. i could never comment on other peoples blogs under that name. how humiliating. so here i sit, creating yet another blog.

this one is for my feelings or thoughts on life too or thats what i'm saying to justify the fact that i'm starting it. hm...

i've been babysitting for like a week almost now. i feel drained. i dont think i want to be a mother of a five year old right now. i guess that is good since it's quite impossible unless something happened 5 years ago that i somehow dont remember... so.. not really a plausible thought.

i've had a lot of down time to just think. sometimes being alone in my head is scary or just draining in itself. but this has been good. this week has made me take notice of several things in my life that arent beneficial. i've just been thinking of the changes in my heart and mind that could happen and be pivitol in my life, relationships with people and with God.

i really think that the first part of this summer is going to be like a 40 day refinement... i havent ironed out all the details and i dont think i will. i'm excited to run full force at it though. it's like a "crash".. a herd of rhino's running full force (they can run at 3omph!!!) but they can only see like 30 feet ahead of them. so crazy. so thats what i want. barbarian summer. running so hard, almost blindlyll knowing that God will in fact show up and do something super rad. i'm nervous about change... nervous that it wnt turn out as expected... i always seem to be dissapointed by failed expectations... but i guess i dont really have many for this one... i am just excited for renewal... and refinement and purification.

plus i have made a list of 75 things to do this summer. i'm so stoked about this.

so my blog. here it is.